Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Mon Jan 02, 2006 at 03:54:59 am EST
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Strong Suit Part Seven
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Strong Suit, Part Seven


Previously: Lair Legion associate Hallie has learned that the supervillain known as Illusionous is using her technology to commit crimes in the city of Las Vegas. The holographic entity is suspected of helping Illusionous herself, when in fact the criminal was given the technology by an old foe: Doctor Rikka Ulz Hagan. Adding to Hallie’s sense of betrayal was the realization that Mr. Epitome had gathered information on her to the government.

The building in question was still unfinished, even through three cycles of boom and bust in the real estate market. And that’s how the owners wanted it.

Settled where the urban sprawl of Paradopolis ends, the garage was begun in hopes of providing the planned Cicada Glens Shopping Mall with affordable parking, a dream that died when it was revealed the company behind the shopping center’s construction was a front for the notorious terrorist group BALD. The four story structure was now owned by a consortium of private individuals who had different uses for it than parking.

“Welcome to Rrrrrrobot Rrrrrrumble!!” the announcer screamed into the microphone that unspooled from above. The crowd, a blend of organic and synthetic fight fans, gave a cheer that matched his enthusiasm. Hallie winced at the tumult.

Try to look like you’re enjoying yourself Yuki Shiro text messaged.

The sometimes hologram jolted slightly, Sorry, she texted back an encrypted reply, My audio receptors are highly sensitive tonight, for some reason.

Have Al B. run a systems check when we get back, Yuki offered helpfully while scanning the crowd. The Silicon Shamus was on the clock, attending the illegal fight club in hopes of tracking down a missing Robo American whose family feared had joined up with one of the arena’s sponsors.

“In this cornahhhhh!!!!, weighing in at 6.73 metric tons, the Prehistoric Pugilist….. Enormosaur!!!!”

Over the heavy metal riff of Rob Zombie’s “Dragzilla” there was a reverberating roar. Then, out from its alcove stomped something that looked like a cross between a T-Rex and a car crusher. It had three sets of pincer-like “Jaws of Life” for arms, and a tail made of pneumatic tubing wrapped in tornado wire.

Hallie was unimpressed, That’s it? He looks like he was put together in a junkyard..

First rule of Robot Rumble: keep it low tech. No components more sophisticated than you can find at, well, your local junkyard, Yuki smirked, You should see the steam-powered division. Those guys are old school.

You’ve been here before?

Yuki’s smile broadened, but gave no reply.

Once Enormosaur entered the ring, the fight announcer introduced the next combatant, “And in this cornahhhh!!! The current heavy chassis champion! Weighing in at 5.15 metric tons, his parts hail from parts unknown, Ex-Tractor!”

The Treaded Terror rolled into view to the sounds of Nazareth’s “Hair of the Dog.” It raised its scoop shovel arms in predictive triumph as it spun around the ring. Hallie was more interested in the robot’s entourage, especially one beetle-browed, lab coat wearing member.

The Mad Tinkerer was slumming here: not a genius in his own right, the engineer was capable of taking other people’s work and applying it in new and creative ways. He had been denied tenure at MIT for such a transgression, and had been living on the underside of the meta-economy ever since.

The Tinkerer’s here, but I don’t see Dalrymple anywhere in his escort, Hallie told her ally.

Yuki replied, He’s here. At least, his CPU is, she gestured towards Ex-Tractor, I need you to try and hack into his memory and make sure, though.

Then what?

Then we tell his folks where he’s at, collect my fee, then it’s Vegas, baby! Yuki Shiro listed each step with growing enthusiasm.

If only things were so simple.

*****


Hallie downloaded her consciousness from her android form to her more inconspicuous Holographic Emitter Drones. It was a significant example of multi-tasking on her part to maintain the hard light illusions that disguised her and Yuki, dodge the melee that was taking place in the ring, and access Ex-Tractor/Dalrymple’s server remotely all without being detected. She waited until there was a break in the brawl before having a go at his firewalls.

The robot’s hardware may have been basic, but its software was cutting age, lending credence to Yuki’s theory that Ex-Tractor was in fact run by a Robo American. Hallie started working on his security codes….

Ping! Ping! Ping! warned the HED’s internal alarms. Somone, somewhere, had her in the crossfire.

Hallie barely managed to shift her consciousness from the drone to her robot body before Enormosaur doused it with a great burst of flame.

“We’ve been made,” Yuki observed unnecessarily. She kicked up a support that held up the velvet rope that was designed to keep the spectators clear of the ring. Taking the bar and twisting, she wrapped the cord around the neck of an approaching security guard and drew him closer for a nasty chop to the neck.

Hallie saw bigger problems coming: both Enormosaur and Ex-Tractor were turning to face them.

“A tag team match. Wonderful,” Yuki did indeed seem happy. She lifted up the deactivated goon and hurled him bodily at Enormosaur, “Tag!”

With a deft snip the robot cut the impromptu missile in half. Hallie tried to block out the guard’s squeals of pain and launched into the fray.

She missed her mark by fifteen feet, crashing instead into a crowd. It was a shocking, impossible miscalculation. When Hallie reached up dazedly to regain her footing her grip on the support was powerful enough to crush it.

“Whu-uuuffff!” the green woman’s shock at the unintended display of strength that she failed to notice Ex-Tractor’s steam shovel arm until it collided with her frame. She went sailing across the arena. When she rose she was entangled in the tail of Enormosaur, the razor wire tearing away at her clothes and synthetic skin.

With a grunt Hallie ripped herself free from the snare and ran to punch the robot’s leg. She blew past her target, and imbedded herself into one of the garage’s heavy concrete columns.

Something was seriously wrong.

“Watch out!”

Hallie pried her face away from the wall and looked over her shoulder to witness Yuki step between her and another strike from Ex-Tractor, catching the blow with both hands.

There was a whine of gears as the Treaded Terror attempted to pull free from Yuki’s grip.

“L-little help,” Yuki said over the chugging of Ex-Tractor’s engines. There was a roar from Enormosaur as the machine stalked towards them from the other side of the pillar. There were appreciative hoots and hollers from the crowd. Hallie, still flummoxed by her systems failures, froze.

The Mad Tinkerer was amused: obviously there was in interest in a female division of Robot Rumble. It was a pity these Legionnaires wouldn’t be eligible to participate. At least, not as they were currently configured….

“Finish them,” he cybernetically commanded both robots after overriding the security codes of Enormosaur.

There was an explosion as something shot through the outside wall. A steel girder smashed into Enormosaur’s head, pinning it to the concrete column. It gave a high-pitched shriek and shuddered to inertness.

Mr. Epitome punched his way into the building. He struck the flint to start up the arc welder strapped to his back. Then he glared at the spectators with utter contempt.

“Party’s over,” Yuki Shiro said appreciatively through gritted teeth.

*****


Al B. Harper tapped the stem of his bubble pipe against his chin thoughtfully, “It’s a virus, all right.”

He looked away from the computer console and to his patient, “A sophisticated one, too. No wonder your standard scans didn’t find it. Its something you’d have to be looking for.”

“Yeah,” Hallie replied without much conviction. She’d been tricked again.

“Where did it come from?” Mr. Epitome asked, casting a significant look at Hacker 9 from across the EEE firehouse.

“Easy, boy,” Amy Aston jokingly cautioned the Paragon of Power.

“It’s not Technopolitian,” Zack Zelnitz almost yelped. He had downloaded a video file of Epitome’s earlier confrontation with the Robo Americans and was eager to clear his name.

Hallie sighed and rose from the examination table, “Rikka Ulz Hagan designed it. She must have infected me when I visited her in prison. So I’m guessing it’s corrupted my reflex calibrations?”

“That’s right. It’s giving your nervous system false readings, causing you to overcompensate when you perform physical activity,” Muffy Framlicker nodded with some sympathy.

“And now I’m a clumsy oaf,” Again, Hallie thought to herself, “Can we purge the virus?”

“Wait: you went to see Hagan?” Epitome again interrupted, “Why would you do….” his query trailed off when five of the Parodyverse’s greatest thinkers eyed him with some derision.

“I… don’t think so, Hallie,” Hacker 9 spoke up, “Your hardware is too corrupted. To delete the virus you’d need to delete the programs that let you interact with your android body.”

“Basically, we’d have to start over, which would take a considerable amount of time,” Al B. said.

“And money,” Muffy muttered.

“Two things EEE doesn’t have, what with Mayor Klein’s lawsuit bearing down on us,” Amy got to the point.

“Hey, if money is the issue, I can always transfer- nevermind,” Hacker 9 changed course after another harsh look from Epitome.

Hallie laughed ruefully. Rikka did this on purpose, she thought. Another one of her lessons. The witch wanted her to discard her corporal form because she saw it as an obstacle to Hallie’s “evolution.” Well, screw that:

“I can learn how to cope with these changes,” she said firmly.

Doctor Framlicker considered the hypothesis, “I suppose… with practice, it’s possible for you to consciously manage these fluctuations in power.”

“Of course it’s possible,” Dominic spoke up, “I did it.”

Again the assembled geniuses stared, but this time the Man of Might had something to say, “When I first acquired my enhanced abilities, the government put me through a regimen of exercises to control them. Especially my strength and speed,” he looked to Hallie, “I could teach them to you, if you wanted.”

The green woman met his gaze, “OK.”

There was a snort of derision by the coffee pot, “Not again,” Amy stirred creamer into her cup.

“What? Did I miss something?” Al B. whispered to the EEE mechanic.

“Just the usual dumb ass heart wanting what it wants b.s., Al.”

“Oh,” the scientist didn’t ask for further explanation. He didn’t want to seem ignorant.

*****


“Gentlemen,” Illusionous intoned, “Thank you for coming.”

Googol Volt eyed the figure with the floating silver cube in place of a head suspiciously, “Like I’d turn down a free trip to Vegas.”

The big man in the checkerboard sweatshirt next to him nodded, “You’ve bought yourself half an hour with us, Slappy. Let’s hear your pitch.”

“My dear Grit, what I’m proposing is an alliance. One that will afford me an opportunity for revenge against those who have wronged me and you considerable financial reward,” Illusionous floated cross-legged above the two mercenaries.

The Lethal Lord of Lightning had his doubts: jobs that were motivated by vengeance had a tendency to turn pear-shaped quickly, “How much reward?”

“The vault of the El Dorado Casino holds an estimated sixteen million dollars on any given day.”

“You want to rob a casino?” Grit shook his head, “Those places are connected to the Lynchpin. Ain’t no way I’m crossing the Lynchpin.”

Googol Volt adjusted one of the bolts on his mask, “I hear the fat man is on his way out. That he can’t even protect himself from the friggin’ Zoot Suit Gang.”

“Gentlemen, I assure you: with my abilities no one will ever know you’re involved in the heist. Flask, or anyone else, will be totally in the dark, stumbling for clues,” Illusionous gestured, and images of the Keystone Kops appeared to give an impromptu performance.

“Cute,” the Granulated Man drawled.

“There’s more. How much do you think the secrets of the Lair Legion would be, to the right party?”

“The Legion? You didn’t say anything about the heroes being involved in this,” Googol Volt tensed.

“Not them: their computerized intelligence, HALLIE. She’ll be coming here, hunting me. Once she is bested all of her knowledge would be ours for the taking.”

That caught Grit’s interest. He had several contacts that would pay through the nose for information on the Parodyverse’s premier super team.

“I’m in,” he decided, he looked to his occasional partner in crime.

“I don’t know….” Googol Volt dithered.

“C’mon, Rusty,” Brick Basalt chided good-naturedly, “It ain’t like we got much else goin’ on. At the very least we can catch Wayne at the Bellagio.”

*****


Hallie found Dominic waiting in the Lair Mansion gymnasium. He had on his Holy Cross Athletic Department tee, a pair of gym shorts, and he carried a stopwatch and a clipboard.

“What? No whistle?” she joked.

“Don’t need one,” he held up two fingers and smiled before turning serious, “I want to thank you, Hallie, for giving me this chance to help you.”

“You’re welcome. And thank you for helping me.”

“You’re welcome.”

There was a brief pause, “All right, let’s begin,” Mr. Epitome fished behind some mats to produce a carton of eggs, “Catch.”

Hallie caught the lobbed projectile, “Egg toss? This is how the government trained you?!” she took a step back and threw the oval at Dominic.

The egg sailed over his head, splattering against the far wall.

“Actually, they had me work with kittens.”

The computerized intellect watched the big man walk over and pick up another egg.

“You’re not kidding, are you?” she asked softly.

“No,” Dominic admitted, “It was a thorough manner to teach me self-control.”

He flipped the egg from hand to hand, “Ready?”

There was a moment when Hallie saw it again: that expression Dominic wore when he reflected on the things he had done in order to achieve his goal of saving the world. Regret mixed with determination. She took a step back and held out her hand.

“Ready.”

Next: Illusionous causes a stampede, Hallie feels the heat, and Epitome gets hit where he lives. Out soon.

Footnotes:

The Mad Tinkerer: is a classic mad scientist type villain with ties to the Synthetic community. Note I deliberately left his fate, and the fate of Dalrymple, the Robo American Yuki was looking for, vague, in case anyone wants to follow up on it.

Googol Volt: has been referenced a couple of times, and actually put in an appearance in the unfinished CSFB!/Epitome team up. He has electrical manipulation powers.

Grit, the Granulated Man: Brick Bassalt was a noted tomb robber who broke a mystical hourglass hidden in one of the lost temples of Egyptian necromancer Ku Ku Ka Chu, granting him the power to transform himself into living sand. First Appearance: Mr. Epitome #14.

Epitome’s training: Dominic Clancy was given his powers by Homo Maximus, a government research facility given the task of creating super soldiers. Clancy, a rookie FBI agent, was chosen from a field of candidates to be exposed to the strange energies of the Divine Spark. The MacGuffin Material within the Spark enhanced his physical and mental abilities a thousand fold. This story gives us an inkling as to what Dominic went through to learn how to master his powers.


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